God I can’t handle these feelings for much longer or I will be the one that explodes. My blood will paint the surroundings red and my body parts will be found all over the place. It’s so much worse that I don’t even know what I’m feeling. Am I crazy? Moved to tears by this hurricane, while looking lazy. I’m chasing the fuse line that You lit years ago. I’ll never catch it, not until You say so. I trust You know what’s best in the end, but God how much more can I take before I break instead of bend? Is it a lie when I tell them I’m fine, when really I can’t describe the things going on inside? This makes me feel like a fraudulent lunatic, when I lack the language to be authentic. Get lost kid. You’re in way over your head. You’re spine isn’t aligned and you’re silent most of the time. Helpful attempts result in a crash landing, splashing into the clear-as-dirt mud of misunderstanding.
I feel silly and foolish when I consider the concrete and unignorable, real life problems of people going through hardcore struggles. These thoughts invalidate how I feel, sweeping the leg of forward progress. I tip over and pour myself out on this page to You, Lord. I hope this counts for something. That this shadowboxing isn’t for nothing.
When I try to talk about this, I stumble over insignificant words, wandering aimlessly in an incoherent fog. Spectators stare with intent, but aren’t sure if this is worth their time. I wish I could give them a refund, but I can’t even help myself. I help myself to another dose of tasteless jokes. An invisible burden, supposedly a light yoke. A couple well placed clouds acting as a perfect segway, until I’m thrown into another mood. I am not a victim; I asked for this. Training to be a warrior, while pretending to be a pacifist. You don’t know the half of it. Sometimes the most courageous thing you can do is stand in the middle of it all and feel everything. Maybe it’s the way to healing those self-inflicted wounds in a scarred mind. Maybe the endless downpour is the only remedy to a thirsty soul. The water erodes everything around you, but when we, by faith, stand firm, somehow our roots still grow deeper. “Maybe the emptiness is just a lesson in canvases.” Maybe lost boys really are free. I’ll keep painting this life out and maybe one day I’ll see what I can be.
Galatians 5:1It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
How gently Jesus works within with such magnificent power. He can only see us as we truly are. In the secret place where everything is exactly as it really is. An uncensored reality, where we are laid bare. As we pour ourselves out in Him, with Him, the proudest of smiles spreads across His face. This is where we should be. An intimate home not of this world. A splash of heaven as our resurrected, glorified, risen, new life – who we are and where we are, even now – full access to that wonderful place, touches earth wherever we walk. At each footstep, new life grows. Dead things are greeted by redemption. Hope lives.
Holy Spirit gives me the quickest of glimpses into this, and I am instantly undone and overwhelmed. And Jesus smiles in knowing me and says, “You can’t yet handle what I have for you.” My patience, that long-suffering passion is restored. In Isaiah, Scripture says to wait upon the Lord. Waiting is not passive. To wait is to hope. To wait is to trust. To wait is to find new strength.
My perceived emptiness and sorrow of a life longed for, seemingly so out of reach – where I’ve confronted it all until “there’s no one left between myself and me” – somehow brings about new revelation of God’s reality. It is beyond fascinating. Some would object and scrutinize this, “Don’t talk about such things, you could ruin your witness. It comes across dark and hopeless.” Well unlike them, I am not afraid of the dark. Darkness is no threat to a child of light fighting from the victory of Jesus. As for hope, hope is my torch revealing what is, for what could be. You will never know what you can become if you don’t fully know who you are. There’s now way around it. If you seek authenticity like I do and know the world-changing magnitude of what happens when we genuinely create our lives in Christ, here on this planet, well amigos, that changes a whole awful lot of things. I pray we all fully grasp the gravity of the redeeming realm we have been reborn into. May we learn and explore and create and live there. And we will see everything change by the power of the Holy Spirit that comes from intimacy with the Father, through our Lord Jesus Christ.
firebeardblog 
Carefree children can teach us as adult, mature, Christians . We tend to plan, fret, and second guess, in an attempt to determine our safest outcome that will bring the least amount of criticism. I watch my grandkids enjoy the simple things to their fullest. Why can’t I throw my hands into the air and run across the lawn barefoot giggling and waving my arms just because?
Josh, thank you for sharing your art from your heart to help us tear down the walls we’ve built. The kid in us is on the other side waiting to run. Wanting to be real.
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“Training to be a warrior, while pretending to be a pacifist. ”
Guilty.
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Again Josh….your blog leaves all of us with so much to ponder….I am so happy that you continue to allow the Lord to use you….praying that you will always be sensitive to His voice….Grandpa and I love you so much….!!!!
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Josh … As I read it didn’t take long for me to see similarities and comparisons of God and even Jesus in your thoughts and comments. You understandably come forth with an imaginary personification in the form of gum developing into a tasteless gum wad, yet, is still something to someone somewhere. I can see, don’t give up, as there is more than we see, that can be used from and of ourselves…. A very interesting way of presenting your thoughts which may be ours , too, if we let ourselves…. Keep up the good writings/work, people will catch on and begin to understand , more than they expected they would. An interesting way of explaining a thought… you have a special talent. This reminds me of the way a person may look at a painting and how it is viewed differently by each person. Love it…. Love, Grandma J
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6-06-2020
Josh, as I read this this once again this year., it reminds me of the bible. Each time I reread a verse it either strengthens what I know and received previously from it, or even at times it gets a new stronger meaning and even, yet, sometimes a totally new meaning that is still relevant.. It is amazing how that works. I love it… never dying off but an everlasting word moment by moment. PTL ❤ Love, Grandma Johnson
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