I was going to name this one My Private Parts, referring to the things I prefer not to talk about, but I decided otherwise.

Welcome to my mind. You don’t need to take your shoes off. Just step inside and have a look around. It’s not as spacious as I wish it was, but I make do with what I have. Write down any questions you may think of about what you see. Then crumple it up and throw it in the corner with my math assignments because I won’t be able to answer them anyways.

I don’t overly enjoy people. People are too complicated. And yet I love getting to know people deeply and see how Jesus speaks through our time together. And I actually like to be known too, but I always find a way to sneak by when someone gets too close.

I’m an introvert who loves to be alone and yet I constantly wish someone was with me. I think of the best jokes when I’m alone, but there’s no one there to laugh with. You kinda feel a little crazy when you’re laughing hysterically with no one else in the room. It’s like having an inside joke with just yourself.

I’m a homebody, that loves adventure. Tell me how that makes sense. Half of me just wants to live predictably and take comfort in routine. The other half of me is bored doing anything that doesn’t involve risk. It seeks nothing but the newness in life. It wants to discover new things and never travel the same road twice. My two sides are each other’s rival, at war though they’re on the same journey. They share a body and can’t exist without the other. How can I win with this division? I haven’t figured that one out yet.

My greatest fear is loneliness. I fear that I’ll never actually be known by anyone. That I won’t live a story worth telling. That I’ll lack significance and fade away in mediocrity. I’ll be alone in my head, and no one will understand because I can’t explain it. I won’t have close friends and I’ll be isolated as people pass me by, wondering what happened. That no one will know my name, worse yet, the world won’t be any different without me. That my existence didn’t change anything.

There are people who have a reason to feel like this. Their feelings are justified because of something that happened to them. But I was raised right by loving parents, yet there is a fist-sized hole inside me whose origin is unknown. I have no closure, nothing I can point to and say, “That is why I feel like this,” which makes it all the more aggravating. I get lost in my thoughts as the needle in my mind’s compass spins in circles. I don’t know left from right, so I stay put because who likes to be lost? All I can do is write it down and hope things make sense one day.

God made me a lion and I am exactly that. But so often, I feel like the baby human from Ice Age – “Look at you. You’re gonna grow up to be a great predator? I don’t think so. What do you have, just a little patch of fur. No claws… no fangs… You’re little folds of skin wrapped in… mush. What’s so threatening about you?” – helpless, defenseless. It’s an almost believable fallacy, if it were not for the power I feel inside of me. I know I’ll come roaring through the illusion before long. I’ll boldly stand tall like someone sure of their steps, like someone who knows where they’re going though there’s no place to be except right here. But I don’t want to be right here. I always feel like I’m being pulled somewhere else. Like this moment isn’t good enough, like if only things were different.

Confused yet? Me too, but we’re still in the shallows. Time to wade out a little further and see what can be found below the surface.

I love deep conversations and all I want is substance when we talk, but I love to joke around and keep things light nearly all of the time.

I’m a hard worker who opts for the easy road whenever I can. Wait, what?

I don’t know what I want because half of me wants one thing and the other half wants something else. That’s why the simplest question can throw me into this inner turmoil. I’m always doing what I don’t want to do because half of me always wants to do the exact opposite of whatever I’m currently doing. How stupid can this possibly be? The only thing all of me agrees on, is Jesus and pizza. Everything else is trench warfare, lobbing grenades at the opposing side. A decision is only made when someone runs out of ammo. I am gradually killing part of me with every decision I make, while strengthening the other. It’s an endless fight of obscure perplexity.

I lie awake staring at the ceiling, waiting for it to fall on me. At least then, buried beneath the debris, I would have a reason to not get out of bed. But nothing happens, so I continue to lie here and just think. Everything is alright, but I don’t get it yet.

My spirit is hungry and restless, but my body’s asleep.

My brain is an optimist, but the words that leak out between my teeth are often corrupted with the virus known as sarcasm. My thoughts are happy as can be, yet somewhere there is a disconnect and my voice becomes plastered with globs of negativity. How did that happen?

So many times I try to run away and hide because it’s so much easier to give up, if only for a while. Yet, what can separate me from You. Nothing. I am willing to go anywhere and do anything that God has for us to do together, but sometimes I wonder if I’m just the master of excuses. I want to give myself up in total surrender, but my selfishness is ruthless, yet acts feigned when I attempt to end him.

---

Well there you have it, my great conundrum. I try not to write things like this, with the point unclear. There’s already enough confusion zooming around and I don’t want to add to it. I’m learning God doesn’t normally give clarity in the things that trouble us. Clarity and faith don’t mix very well. Understanding is superficial to God. Instead, He gives us what we need on a deeper level. Peace, love, grace, mercy, those are what He always has on hand. Truth is also nearby, but it’s only after we stop sprinting towards our idea of the truth and embrace what’s around us, do we find that it’s already here.

But we are not seeking truth. We are not seeking love. We are not seeking purpose or success. We have always been seeking the essence of what we crave – Jesus Christ Himself. The One our hearts ache for. The Creator of the depths of our minds and souls that call out to Him. The God who holds the world in His hands, but will drop everything to hold yours.

Psalm 42:7

“Deep calls unto deep at the noise of your waterfalls. All Your waves and billows have gone over me.”

As this voyage immerses me in myself, I am allowed access to deeper parts of God. I am disoriented in these depths, but never actually lost. No matter which way I go, He is there. I can’t mess it up. God’s plan isn’t dependent on me or my abilities, so I can always take the next step with the confidence that my foot will fall on solid ground, regardless of this sinking feeling.